May 28, 2011

What happened here?

So my worries over money have turned themselves into a full scale freak out about our whole move. A good night's sleep has become a thing of the past for me- Jon & I climb into bed each night and he falls into dreamland as soon as his head hits the pillow. I usually nod off around 4 and then the alarm goes off at 7. I need to develop his ability to shrug everything off, trust that it will work out and move on with the suggested activity. In the meantime, I have this blog to vent to (and hopefully getting some of the emotion out will let me get a bit more shut eye!)
Right now I feel like I am letting everyone down. The whole reason we moved here was for me to get design work and use my schooling. Every time we talk to anyone back home that's their first question, and I suppose it should be their main one. That really is why we came here. But I'm not doing design work yet. The clients that I started working with right before the move were unhappy that I was far away for the beginning stages and went with other designers. The leads that my friend in Vancouver gives me are unimpressed by my assignment filled portfolio and lack of real experience. I did luck out with my job because it keeps me fresh and current with the design trends and there is a real chance to build my portfolio during my time there, but did we move to Victoria so I could work at a retail store that also has a location in Edmonton? Should I take the bait and accept the boutique manager position open in the Edmonton location and move back to where I'm comfortable? Is a managerial position good enough to make me give up my dream and throw away all that time spent in university? 
I think we have to stay here so I can prove to myself that this was the right choice, and I think I need to grow a tougher skin to stay. This has been a hard month for me. I have been so down on myself for not doing what I came here to do. I have been super homesick, but too scared to call home because I know they are going to ask about design work and I am out of excuses about why I'm working retail instead. I know that I am loved no matter where I work, but it was my work that took us away from them. I am mad at myself for thinking that this move could be easy and that I would just shift into my dream and everything would work out perfectly. I was wrong. It's not perfect, but I think I can make it work.
I read a post by the lovely Misssrobin today (who I wrote about awhile back in my Project 31, question #3), and it was all about the power that women have. It was exactly what I needed to hear. You should read it too, here is the link. I am going to follow her suggestion, I am going to start forgiving and motivating, and I am going to ease up on myself. The only way my design work is going to get anywhere is if I just keep getting up, so here I go again, climbing upwards.


misssrobin said...

What a sweet thing to say. Thank you.

You really are freaking yourself out. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself if things are really that bad. Do you have a place to live? Do you have food? Do you have someone who loves you? Then screw the rest for a while. (Sorry to be so blunt.)

Quit worrying about others' expectations. Quit expecting change to be immediate. And quit doubting yourself just because it's not exactly how you foresaw it.

You can do this! I believe in you. It may not take the form you thought or happen as fast as you'd like but it will happen.

For now, ease up. And, again, quit worrying about everyone else judging you. Their judgment doesn't change anything about who you are or what you are doing. Your choices are not of any less value just because they don't value them. Be open to possibilities in new forms. Be open to happiness even when everything isn't perfect. Take it in little moments if you have to.

Thinking of you. And believing in you.

Katie said...

What MisssRobin said! Live your life as you want to live it. Once you shrug off the pressure that you're feeling, you'll feel a thousand times better - feel free to ask me how I know. :) I live a budgeted lifestyle funded by one income (that's not very high) with two kids. It's what I chose for myself and I couldn't be happier. Own it! Happiness is the key to ... everything.